Confident, when he prompted his mind to fight, it capitulated and refused to. Belligerently, he tried again, turning the key in the starter to fire up the full power of his mental faculties - nothing happened.Bellicose with anger, he closed the book, squeezed his eyes closed and appealed to dispassionate logic to climb out of this affliction.“Eight Twelves?”He paused, his mind felt blank and he pressed on determinedly.“Eight times ten? I need to fuck… EIGHT TIMES TEN? Eighty. Eight twos? The warm wet heat of her cunt as you impale it... EIGHT TWOS? Sixteen. Eighty and sixteen? The intense release of your sperm onto her body and the delicious warmth of your orgasm… EIGHTY AND SIXTEEN? Ninety-six. EIGHT TWELVES ARE NINETY-SIX! THANK FUCK!”Panting for air, fevered and hot, he slumped into the chair. Pressing on, he kept going as his thoughts struggled through a mire of lust and arousal. Feeling the ache of exhaustion, he endured as he strained his muscles and blood to fight back. . I couldn’t bring myself to date other women. What girl wants a boy who fantasizes about being a girl during sex? What female wants to have sex with a boy who dresses himself in lingerie because he likes the way the fabric feels on his freshly shaven skin? No young woman in the church would tolerate that. Still, I couldn’t stop playing out these fantasies in my head and acting them out alone in my dorm room on the weekends. The result was an overwhelming guilt. My fantasy world became a place of masochistic sex with penis wielding women. It was a place where I was a bad girl who needed to be punished. I found a new kind of enjoyment in all of this. I imagine it’s just as difficult to explain the allure of masochism as it is to explain sexual preference. The best way I know to explain it is that the more I thought of myself in these punishment scenarios the more I wanted it. I got to enjoy the pleasures of sex while suffering the punishment for my behavior at the same time. Chapter 2.
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